Mike Parsons –
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Four months with God!
During a dark cloud experience in worship in October 2011, the Father asked me if I would give Him four months. Now, I thought, wow—forty days was amazing—imagine what four months could do. He did not say a four-month fast (I think that might have been extreme, but I probably would have done it). Nevertheless, I was so excited. Of course I said yes to that invitation. I mean, it was like—wow—what was God going to do with me when I gave Him four months?
So I chose November 2011 to February 2012 for my four months. It was not a fast, but it was a time without journaling, without agenda—or so I thought. Well, I suppose I did: I wanted more. But He had an agenda. Wow. I was in for a shock, again, from that Jehovah-Sneaky. He tricked me into this—probably because He knew I might not accept if I knew what was going to happen. I do not know. But He got me into that place.
So—November the first, 2011. I got up, six in the morning, and I sat in my usual reclining chair, expecting something amazing to happen. Remember, I had had over a year of daily experiences and encounters in heaven, within my own spirit and soul—and now what happened? Nothing. Darkness. A blank, black screen. How confused I was! How shocked I was! How sad I was!
Now in hindsight, I can see what God was doing through those four months. Each month was a separate period. And I see He was taking me back to the garden, but I could not see it or experience it cognitively. He took me back to the dance floor. He took me to the soaking room, and into the dark cloud. But I could not see or feel anything—other than it was dark. Black. I could see nothing. I could hear nothing. It was horrible.
Be still
All I felt was, “Be still.” That was it. Be still. I had to be still. But I was so frustrated, confused, disappointed. My soul did not handle being still very well.
So there I am, November 2011, and God is taking me back into the garden so I could know God who is love. But that was tested, because I could not see it, and I could not feel it. All I had to do was be still. Psalm 46:10—“Be still and know that I am God.” That was the first verse I ever meditated on. I had meditated on that verse for years. And now God had asked me to be still, and I could not.
Another version of that verse says, “Step out of the traffic. Take a long, loving look at Me, your high God.” I could not see Him. It was like—how unfair is that? I had no problem being still until I was invited to be still—and my soul reacted to that darkness. I kicked off.
Now, there are other verses.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.’ (Psalm 91:1).
But I could not trust Him. In fact, I did not trust Him. God is love—but would I trust Him without seeing and knowing what He is doing? My soul failed that test miserably. I had to know what He was doing. I bombarded Him with questions. I needed to know. Why was He doing this to me? What was happening?
See, if I knew what He was doing, I felt secure—and I could trust Him. But I did not trust Him as much as I thought, obviously. My soul kicked off. I really needed to know. I had to know. And of course—God did not tell me. Which was so frustrating, and so annoying. And I got so angry with God, I said things to Him which I am not proud of now. Of course, He was smiling all along. I could not see Him, but He was smiling, because He knew what this process was going to do in me.
I remembered that God once said, “I do not need your assistance, just your surrender.” I remembered that—but I could not do it. My soul could not surrender. And I think I did not really know God’s unconditional love. I knew God is love. I knew God loved me. But actually, was it unconditional? I do not think my soul accepted that that was the truth.
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So—November was a miserable month. I went through a terrible struggle. I was hoping that December would be better. So—the first of December—I get up. I go back, I sit in my chair. Nothing again. Blank. All I felt was: “Wait.” Looking back, I can see that God was taking me on the dance floor. There would be joy. But I had to wait. Why did I need to wait? What was I waiting for? Isaiah 40:31—Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. Great. But I could not see what He was doing, so I could not wait. I wanted to know.
Another version says, “Those who wait for the Lord, who expect, look for, and hope for Him, shall change and renew their strength and power.” I think that is the Amplified version. Nehemiah 8:10 says “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” So God wanted me to experience joy based on nothing other than Him. So I was waiting. Do nothing, see nothing, know nothing. That was not joy. I did not feel joyful, or blissful, or any other description of joy. I was miserable.
Could joy come from no external circumstances, only from my relationship with the Lord? Well obviously, yes. I discovered that in the end. But while I was going through it? Absolutely not. I felt no joy at all. I was miserable. Even Christmas was horrible that year, because inside I was in turmoil. I was so struggling with what was happening to me. It felt so unfair that God had made me this way—and now I could not be me. That is how it felt.
So—why do I have to wait? What am I waiting for? Why are You making me wait? Who am I waiting for? My soul was absolutely, totally out of control. And I believe the Father was showing me what I would be like without my spirit’s influence. Because when I came into relationship with God, and when the Holy Spirit was alive in me, and when revelation came, and when I was baptised in the Spirit, and filled with the Spirit, and all these amazing things—I had wonderful experiences of God. And it was great.
But now God was showing me what I was like on my own, following my own path, in my soul. Needing to know what God was doing, to even have a hope of joy. So why would I have to wait? It was so hard.
Rest
Then January came. The first of January. I was hoping—hoping—that this would be a new year and something would change. And all I felt was: rest. Rest. I could not rest. I was now in the soaking room. Rest. Peace. God wanted me to come into peace. I could not feel peaceful. I was anything but peaceful. I was riled. My emotions were high. My soul was in turmoil.
Matthew 11:28—“Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Well—I was weary and heavy laden at this point. I really felt my soul was carrying this weight of producing my own identity from what I was doing. “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” I did not find rest for my soul. I could not enter rest.
I had been at rest for a whole year. Wonderfully at rest. He had taught me from that scripture. He opened it up so I could know what it was to come into rest. And now He invited me to rest—and I could not rest. Do nothing, see nothing, know nothing, be nothing. More frustration.
I could not do it. I could not rest. Which was the point. Because He was basically saying, you do not have to try to create rest. You come to Me. Being gentle and humble in heart is true peace, where identity and destiny are accepted and surrendered for God’s glory. But I could not do it.
So was I willing to take the yoke of Jesus, even when it made no sense? When I did not understand? When I could not figure it out? When I did not know what God was doing? Could I do it? No. I could not. Absolutely no way. So would I follow His lead and be His disciple in pure trust? Which is exactly what He wanted me to do. But I could not. Not at that point. I could not do it.
Why do I need to rest? What am I resting for? What are You doing, making me rest? Who am I resting for? What is it all about? My soul just asked question upon question upon question. I could not be still. I could not wait. I could not rest. I was in turmoil—continually. I was asking those questions—but really they were accusations. I was accusing God. What are You doing? Why are You doing this to me? It is unfair. I have done nothing to deserve this. I do not like it.
But—I got through November, December and January. I got through it. But I was pretty bad—emotionally. And then I got to February. And all I felt was: wait expectantly. Now—I was going to go into the dark cloud. Now—hope would return.
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Activation (excerpt)
I encourage you to just close your eyes.
Get relaxed.
You may want to lie down.
You can relax your body.
Begin by focusing on your breathing.
Breathe in slowly… and hold it…
Then breathe it out… slowly.
And as you breathe in… and breathe out…
Start to focus your thinking on God the Father, who is love.
As you begin to breathe in,
You are breathing in unconditional love—
The love of the Father for you,
As a son,
As a daughter,
As His child.
Breathe it in.
As you do, that unconditional love begins to flow
Through your whole being—
Touching every cell of your body,
Your mind,
Your emotions,
The whole of your soul, spirit, and body.
Let yourself be still,
And let God love on you.
Let Him show you how much He loves you.
As His love fills you,
Joy and peace come—
They overwhelm you,
They cocoon you.
All of His being begins to flow in you.
An atmosphere forms around you—
A cocoon of love, joy, and peace.
You are just resting in it.
Relaxing in it.
Be still.
Wait.
Rest.
Wait expectantly.
Whatever God wants to do with you—right now—
This is a safe place.
You can get out of the boat—figuratively.
You can choose to abandon yourself,
To sink into that vast ocean of unconditional love,
Where God’s love is so strong, so powerful—
You can trust Him.
He is a good God,
And He wants the best for you.
Just go deeper and deeper into that love
As He restores first love to you.
You can sink deeper…
And deeper…
There may be things around you that you sense or feel.
Be willing to go deeper and deeper…
Into love.
Sons of Issachar 